The Silent Struggle: Facing Anxiety as an International Student

For as long as I can remember, I have battled with anxiety. I didn’t always know what I was feeling, but I knew it wasn’t normal and it prevented me from doing a lot of things I wanted to do. I quickly learnt that every time I left the safety of my home, I would spiral into a panic, questioning all the things that could go wrong. This spiral of panic then infiltrated its way into medical scenarios, as well as when I had to speak to someone I didn’t know, both publicly and privately. One of my earliest childhood memories is the night I stayed at my best friend's house and made myself physically sick from the overwhelming anxiety I felt, even though her house was just down the road. That level of anxiety, which started in my childhood, only intensified as I grew older and began to have a much stronger impact on me.

I had always been sporty, having competed in swimming, track and field, and netball. But, when I was 14, rowing entered my life. If you had told 14-year-old Hannah the journey that rowing would take her on, she’d never have believed it. I grew up in South-East London, but I was learning to row in East London which meant I had to catch 3 trains to get to practice each day. I had started rowing with a friend from secondary school, so luckily I didn’t have to make this daily journey alone. My attendance at practice was dependent on the fact that she also was at practice. Each time she was sick or couldn’t make it, I would send myself into major panic attacks preventing me from going as well. This fear of travelling alone eventually dissipated as I grew older and moved to a new club with no one to rely on. Even so, travelling to practice was one of the only things I was semi-comfortable to do as an 18-year-old. 

"Looking back now, I feel immense pride in myself for making that decision—I know it was the right one, and there’s truly no place I’d rather be."

At 15, I was so captivated by rowing that I would spend hours on Instagram watching rowing edits, imagining how incredible it would be to succeed in the sport. One Instagram reel of a US collegiate team really stood out to me. With the support of my coach and parents, I realized that collegiate rowing in the US was my goal. I had this dream, but I hadn’t fully grasped the reality of it yet. In the fall of 2019, I began my recruiting process and gained so much confidence talking to new people. This newfound confidence came to a screeching halt when the unthinkable hit: a global pandemic. COVID-19 affected millions in countless ways, and for me, it meant scuppering my plans to visit my top five prospective schools. Online recruiting became the new norm. I couldn’t even leave my house, let alone travel to another country. As a result, my decision to come to Duke was based entirely on Duke’s reputation, conversations with coaches and YouTube videos I could find, rather than anything I experienced in person. Looking back now, I feel immense pride in myself for making that decision—I know it was the right one, and there’s truly no place I’d rather be.

As time passed and COVID restrictions eased, my time at Duke was about to begin—and little did I know just how dramatically my life would change. Conceptually I understood, but the reality was overwhelming. Fortunately, my parents arranged for me to have therapy for a year with an American psychologist who was both a former D1 athlete herself and based in London. She helped me enormously with managing my expectations, helping me start to make sense of my anxiety. I had also made friends with another British girl on my team, which brought me much comfort in an intensely anxious time. Although restrictions had eased enough for me to head to Duke, the same wasn’t true for my family. As a girl who had always struggled to stay away from her family for more than a night, I was about to move to a place I had never seen for the next four years of my life. I can still feel the emotions I had standing at the top of the escalator waving goodbye to my parents at Heathrow Terminal 3, not knowing what lay ahead.

I had just made the biggest decision of my life. To say I was terrified would have been a huge understatement. My anxiety was overwhelming, but deep down, I knew that if I didn’t take this step, it would be the biggest regret of my life. Having witnessed my anxiety all my life, my best friend’s mom—who knew me well—told my parents, “I didn’t think she’d ever get on that plane.” That comment has stuck with me ever since. It made me realize how much I had let my anxiety control me and how much I was missing out on because of that irrational fear constantly looming over me. She probably doesn’t know it, but that remark shifted my perspective in a way I can never fully express. I’m so grateful for the people in my life who offer perspective and push me to confront my fears.

"I am allowed to experience my emotions; I am allowed to feel my emotions, but I will do everything in my power to not let them control me."

I’ve come to learn that the key to anxiety is not to eliminate it, but rather to coexist with it. It would be both naive and irrational to believe that I would be able to just stop feeling my anxiety, so I’ve had to change my mindset. I am allowed to experience my emotions; I am allowed to feel my emotions, but I will do everything in my power to not let them control me. Even when something terrifies me, whether that be a social event or conversation, if I or someone else will benefit from it, I will try my best to be there.

"The journey is about progress, not perfection, and from where I started to where I am now, is something about which I will forever be proud."

The growth I have seen in myself during my time at Duke has been exponential. It is something that I attribute to those with whom I have surrounded myself. My friends and family have not only given me the grace to experiment with my confidence, but have also pushed me to moments of growth knowing what was best for my development. I have also embraced different forms of therapy which have been hugely beneficial. I can sit here and act as if I have found the key to mastering my emotions, but that would be far from the truth. I often still have bad days where I let myself become overwhelmed and unable to complete the task I have ahead of me, instead  opting for more comfortable situations. The journey is about progress, not perfection, and from where I started to where I am now, is something about which I will forever be proud. 

 Anxiety, although widely understood and experienced, is debilitating. For many, it is something that happens in a certain situation once every few weeks, but for me it is something I experience every day. There aren’t many days I wake up without a feeling of anxiety in the pit in my stomach. The person I present myself as, and the person I truly am, have many differences. To my teammates and friends I am bubbly, confident, and funny, but there is so much more to adult Hannah than that. There is also another side to me who isolates herself when anxious, which becomes confusing to those who don’t truly understand my internal battle.

" I have found strength in knowing that even though that safety net will always be there for me, I can flourish without it. "

Right now as I am writing this piece, I am in my last semester at Duke University. These are my last few months with any sense of certainty and familiarity. I have no idea where the future will take me. I hold onto the peace that life will work itself out and I will end where I am meant to be. Even if, right now, I don't know where that is. Coming to Duke has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Looking back at the person I was before, I feel like Hannah is almost unrecognizable. If I had never been brave enough to take that chance, who knows how much my anxiety would be restricting me currently. With jobs, athletics, and school combined, I have had to learn to spend time away from my family. I have found strength in knowing that even though that safety net will always be there for me, I can flourish without it. 

-Hannah Steven

Photo Credit: Hannah Steven & Duke Athletics